Talvitelat ( Finnish for stowed away for winter)

“At night, you are inevitably infused with mealoncholy… everything comes across as sad and somewhat meaningless, but, upon waking up the next morning, my head feels so light that nothing feels impossible.” -Torbjørn Ekelund

The quote from above is from A Year in the Woods. The book is an account of Torbjørn’s of spending one night each month in the woods, always the the same spot. I am reading each chapter as the month he titled it. January has been a stark reminder of winter, both emotionally, for me and in the physical sense.

I’m back in Grand Rapids, a place I thought Id never be back to live again, never say never, I guess. This time is different though. How could it not, in all honesty. I am different than I was when I lived here before, it only seems natural. Just as I have changed and progressed, so too has GR. The changes in both are reassuring.

My neighborhood has alway been “funky” (By West Michigan standards) That has always been what I loved about it. Now, more so than ever, the neighborhood is showing up for LGBTQIA+ folx and BIPOC siblings. It doesnt stop there either, the next two neighborhoods have joined the party. How that for electing your first ever women mayor, YASSSSS MS BLISS! There are so many Pride flags (the progress one, to boot) that I feel at times that I never left Portland. Then we get 18 inches of snow with negative degree windchills and Im reminded that I am not in Portland any more.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss Portland or my tribe there. I have however done the work there that I set out to do when I moved, my time there is finished. I wont say never, though about moving back. All of those feelings bring me to the mealoncholy of my wintering.

In part, I’m sure that these feelings are coming from my situation. I work in Cadillac three or four days a week and live in GR the rest of the time. I am so blessed to have a family I love whom supports me until the next oppertunity presents itself.

Last week after my rotation on at work, I was hellbent on finding an apartment closer to Cadillac. There isn’t much there and maybe thats a good thing. Although my hometown has become a tad bit more progressive too. I just doesn’t feel right. I woke the next morning, went to get coffee in one of my favorite shops of all time, my gold standard, if you will. I was able to walk to it. I was also able to meet up with friends and had good conversations with a roommate. I also get the comfort of the love my parents have put into making their house a home. I have really respectful nurses, a lot of whom are travelers, but have the same feeling I do about our tiny small town hospital. My manager is amazing, who does small things to move the bar towards inclusivity. I also get to look into the eyes of people Ive known for as long as I can remember. I get to wish the well and comfort on their way to the final chapter, as morbid as that may seem, to some, there is great relieve to me as I see the peace return to their eyes as we share a silent memory together. There is a lot of privilege in that experience that I hope to never take lightly.

So for now, This winter of my life is about focusing on regrouping. Finding some of the old Scott that had to be packed away a bit so the new Scott could emerge. the two are getting along swimmingly as you’d suspect. Im excited for what summer will bring the physical and the spiritual. I have my friends groups that are at this point spread all over the country. I have places to go and people to see, I guess thats one of the benefits I never really figured on being semblance of nomad. It’s good. Im re connecting with friends from Grand Rapids and am meeting new ones.

Even though I am in my wintering, Life is good. It’s nothing like I imagined it would be post Portland, but you and I both know that things are never the way I plan.

Im also reading a book on this concept of wintering. “Wintering The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times” by Katherine May. This is exactly the book I needed to remind me that this is the time for me to retreat. And with that prepare for what comes next. So, I will take this time for what its worth. I don’t need to put a lot of effort as this is all familar to me, after the “6 month long pandemic that is going into its third year” I needed a break. I need the love of a house that is made a home. I need the comraderie of old roommates that have become new again. The sass from hometown friends that I admitly didn’t reach out to nearly enough when I was in Portland. The familiarity of a hospital Ive worked in before, whos changing at a pace quick enough to have everyone on board. So here I am back to the second town that shaped and polished me. I really do have balance in my life, which isn’t something Ive had in a long time, I’m lucky and it feels good.